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At NIH (National Institute of Health), there is a sign on the door of a microbiology lab that reads "STAPH ONLY!"
Our favorite bumper sticker: "Support bacteria; it is the only culture we have left."
Q. Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages?
A. He was a man of many cultures.
Q. What do you call an amoeba that crosses the road, jumps in a mud puddle and crosses the road again?
A. A dirty double-crosser.
Q. Why did the bacteria cross the road?
A. To prove he wasn't chicken.
Q. What did one bacteria say to the other bacteria?
A. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Q. What did the male bacteria say to the female bacteria?
A. Who needs biology when we have chemistry.
Q. What is the only thing worse than a mecium?
A. A paramecium.
Q. What is the definition of paramecium?
A. Two Latin mice.
Q. Why did the bacteria make fun of the protozoan?
A. He brought toilet paper to the crap game.
Q. Why do bacteria like nitrates so much?
A. They're cheaper than day rates.
Q. Why did the bacteria lie down?
A. He was feeling a little flushed.
Q. Why don't bacteria gamble in Las Vegas?
A. Because they believe a good flush always beats a full house.
Q. What did one bacteria say to the other bacteria?
A. The problem with your gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Q. What did one bacteria say to the other bacteria?
A. Let's make like an amoeba and split.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an amoeba?
A. An amoebit. It can multiply and divide at the same time.
Q. Why did the amoeba cross the road?
A. It was time to split.
Q. Why did the bacteria fail the math test?
A. He thought multiplication was the same as division.
Q. Why did the bacteria cross the playground?
A. To get to the other slide.
Q. Why did the paramecium cross the road?
A. To get to the diffuser bar in time for happy hour.
Q. Where do bacteria go to resolve disputes?
A. The settling chamber.
Q. Where do protozoa go to practice long jumping?
A. The hopper.
Q. Where do bacteria go when they are confused?
A. The clarifier.
Q. Why did the paramecium cross the road?
A. He was stuck to the chicken's butt.
